Why couldn’t I say it then, I have been hurting anyway; really I won’t be able to endure it. – V

I hate to self-diagnose myself, but I am depressed. Maybe I just happen to be really really sad at the moment, but I have been feeling this way for a couple weeks now.

I have a lot of people who make me happy but unfortunately, I can’t be happy all the time.
I tell everyone to take care of themselves and eat well and sleep well and do things that make you happy but I can’t do the same for myself for some reason. I

I want to write out what I’m feeling.

I’m not sure when I started feeling this way, but I know it was a couple weeks ago. I do remember the reason why I feel this way but it’s not worth writing out right now.

A couple days ago I had an anxiety attack just from hearing someone’s name. My heart was beating so fast and I kind of had trouble breathing. I even had to ask people for breathing exercise or some shit.

I’ve been sleeping really late and waking up really late and still feeling tired throughout the day. I feel tired and ughuhhfsh for no reason. Sometimes I don’t even play league and just waste time watching videos. I also tried dancing to distract myself from whatever but it’s too fucking hot oh my god. I also like dancing a lot, but recently it’s been so hard for me. I get tired and frustrated easily and give up on whatever dance I want to learn. Basically, tutorial sucks, it’s too hot, and I’m getting frustrated easily because the dance is hard for me. But I can learn these dances I don’t get it.

It also doesn’t help when I talk to people who lower my self-esteem. I have people who support me but I’m also not with them all the time. People say these things as a joke but these types of jokes genuinely hurt me and affect my self-esteem.

When you’re sad, you just think. You think a lot. And when I think, I start thinking about these “jokes” people say about me. And I just think more and more. Recently, I haven’t been doing this a lot just because I get so tired all the time for no reason. But when it was late at night, and I couldn’t sleep I kept thinking about everything. Again, I haven’t been doing this recently, but it has happened. I once stayed up until like 5 or 6 AM just thinking and crying about what someone said (this was what basically triggered my depression) and it wasn’t even about me. Next night I did the same and cried until I fell asleep.

Eventually, I forgot about everything for a while, but it also comes back to me a lot randomly during the day when I’m doing nothing.

I also think about life a lot. I think about dying early because I take too many pills for lactose intolerance and then I’ll have a liver problem and then die young.

When I get sad, I have to be sad alone. I rarely tell people how I feel and I sometimes bottle it up inside. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I also push people away when I get really sad and angry and I don’t know why. When I do talk to someone I feel like a nuisance and I’m just wasting their time. Even after I talk to people, I feel good but when I get sad again I still don’t talk to others. I once got sad and I talked to Stixxay about it and it made me feel better but I felt like such a burden to him. I am thankful for him but I hate feeling like I’m bothering him or other people with my problems. I feel like Stixxay was actually the only one there for me at the time. I did talk to other people about this but weeks after. Stixxay was one of the first ones to be there for me.

I don’t even talk to my family about how I feel.

Even if I try to hide how I feel, it can’t be erased.

tldr I kind of wrote out everything that makes me sad.

 

In other news, I’m going to LCS on the 22nd and I’m hoping it makes me happy. I know it will. I miss everyone. I will miss everyone after it ends. I will miss everyone during worlds and the break after. I hope I don’t cry at LCS.

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